Hey hon. I thought your last post was so clear and exactly right on. I completely understood that you don't want to step into being a different kind of person. I think you are very right, that becoming a mom changes your being. I think it is absolutely valid to love having your life set up a certain way and to want to develop yourself. That isn't selfish at all. That is the privilege that our wealth and self-awareness have bought for us. Wasting it, or not being grateful for the opportunity, would be selfish. Using our opportunity to become better selves (a rare luxury in most of the world) is how we repay the effort of our ancestors.
I especially loved your metaphor about the skate park. It nails down a sensation I’ve been having a lot lately, ‘cept I’m the complete opposite. I am so fucking bored of this skate park. I need a way out.
I've always wanted kids, so I don’t think my recent realization is the reason for the want. It is only the latest manifestation. Growing up, as much as I thought about it, I knew I'd have kids. Late twenties and early thirties, I had the baby hunger really strong. In the past couple years, I seem to have aged out of responding to babies with a physical ache. I'm just as glad for that. But recently, for months now, I've been bored.
I am bored of the life of a young adult. I think I've done it. I've gotten what I’m going to from being a single urbanite. I have run out the learning curve for the life skills of this age and lifestyle; the challenges aren't interesting any more. I know how to buy a house. That was interesting and hard when I did it, but now would just be a task. I know how to live by myself and how to live with friends. I know how to organize people to create a citywide institution. I know how to throw parties and to go to them. I can start a new sport and quit one. I know how to go to work. I know what it is to be unemployed long past the scared stage. I'm so casual about traveling that I verge on blasé. But life as I lead it isn't hard enough to keep my attention anymore. I need something more to keep me from ennui. I disapprove of ennui.
Of course that doesn't have to be kids. I could do any number of other things that would take all of my capacity for a few years, shake me out of boredom right fast. I could move to another country, maybe work on improving a water project. I hear that'll eat up all you have to give. I could go on a spiritual quest. I could decide to build a house by myself or work on a farm. I could become a teacher. I hear the first few years of teaching are very demanding. I could run for office. I bet there are a ton of new skills in running for office that would soak up all my effort and learning. There are all sorts of things I could do. Maybe any one of them would help more people and do more for humanity than having a kid, so selfishness isn't even a factor, on either side. But I sorta notice that I, like, keep not doing them.
I don't think I really want to do those things. I could do them now, if I wanted. But there is something I want. I want kids. I want them despite the plastic toys and the constant packing of tote bags. I would like to give my thought over to their growth and beauty and experiences. That would be even more interesting than picking up heavy things. So much the better if my body is in collusion to make me even more in love with the subject. That's what I want, something so all engrossing that I become a different me. I’ve been hanging round this skatepark for years and years. If I haven’t learned a tre flip by now, it is probably because I don’t want to very much.
So I think I'm going for it. This year. Soon. By myself. I think. I'm pretty sure. I don’t know how yet. But that’s the only resolution I'm making this year. To have my baby.
