Oh man. I'm sunny again today, but can I tell you? I was SUCH a grump yesterday. For no good reason that I could tell. I ate enough, worked out, did the usual things that I do to keep cheerful, and none of it worked. I mean, it may have worked in the sense that I didn't dismember anyone or anything. But that's also because I kept my distance from people. The people I love didn't deserve to deal with my glowering self.
I was grumpy all day long and keeping a very close leash on it. You kind of have to know me to know when I'm pissed. The angrier I am, the more polite I get and the more tightly I control my voice. Fortunately, my sister and the boys are away this weekend. I didn't have to manage my temper last night, but I did have to go retrieve her car, like we arranged. I left later than I meant to, at twilight.
Now, I don't care. In Sacramento, I walk out at night. I walk anywhere in Midtown with no fear at any time of the night. I would do that here too, but people keep scolding me. My sister and every one of her friends have been mugged. My sister is adamant that I carry mace if I go out at night. It worries her and it bums me out. I miss walking out at night. But I was supposed to go get the car from the BART station and she wasn't here to worry, so I left at twilight.
The neighborhood is gentrifying, so you just don't know who the people approaching you on the street are going to be. Hipster couples? Black kids from the high school? Huge Islander dudes (well, them you can tell from a distance)? Friendly people? Scary people? Could be. But I walked down the big street and kept my head high. Lots of eye contact and saying hi, because I always do. Also, because I want to be ready to react if someone is threatening. Whatever. There were hipsters in front of the pizza place and women on bikes and people getting Korean food.
Twice I had to walk through groups of black men. I hate that I notice this. I hate that I have to decide to avoid or go through the middle and I am not savvy enough to know what they're up to from down the block. I hate that I have to include the possibility that they could hassle me in my assessment. I was, walking in my sister's old bad neighborhood, shot with a bottle rocket by a bunch of neighborhood kids. Other men seem worried that I'll forget that I'm stacked.
But approaching the first group of a half a dozen men, I relaxed pretty fast. In their thirties and forties, sharp dressers, friendly faces. Very sharp dressers. Now, a man whose fedora perfectly matches his suit vest may steal your heart, but I wasn't scared for my wallet. I said Evenin' and got a chorus of Evenin's; as I walked past, one guy shouted. "Hey!" he said. "I like your hairdo!" That made me run my hand awkwardly up the back of my bob, which we all laughed at. So I was already feeling better as I walked towards the second group. Younger, in front of a sketchier store front, one friendly glance, one steady look, and then two chatting handsome guys. I grinned at one of them and he grinned back. "Hey girl. It's yo world. It is yo world, girl." My heart lifted and for the rest of my walk into the evening, it surely was.