Precarious.

Sherry, I don't think I'm pulling this off.  You know I moved out of my house last year, in a two-month spate of drive and work that spent me for months after.  The intention was to move to Oakland, to live with my sister and try to date in the Bay Area.  But I never finished the move, because I got offered neat stuff to do at my work.  These days I work in Sac during the week, staying in a room in a little house very like my own, and go to Oakland every weekend.

Sometimes I think this works great.  I like having no responsibilities here during the week.  I work out a lot and go to my garden and see Margie everyday at lunch.  I love the train ride.  I like spending weekends with my sister and her beautiful boys, who sometimes run into my arms to be thrown up over my head.  I was chokingly sad to leave my house, but within weeks I realized how much house upkeep (or guilt for not doing house upkeep) had been weighing me down. 

Sometimes I think this is a ridiculous halfway situation, neither here nor there.   I'm here in Sacramento, but not even in my own sweet house?  I'm not establishing a new social life in Oakland because I'm not in the same places consistently enough to be a regular.  (I am starting to know the folks on the train, however.)  I go on Craigslist dates in Oakland; those are much better than CL dates in Sacramento, but haven't led anywhere either.  I'm away from my cat most of the time, which isn't right for either of us.  There's no reason to think my job is so great I couldn't be matched in the Bay Area, except that I haven't looked for a job there and sorta dread the process of applying for jobs.

Anyway, this morning my housemate surprised me.  She's been unhappy about some living-together stuff that wasn't even on my radar.  (Not, truth told, stuff that I feel particularly bad about, although, since I don't care about it, I'm happy to do it the way she wants.)  I'm wondering how long this living situation is going to last.  I've thought for months that I'm living balanced on a fulcrum, not stable but not tipping either.  When people ask me what I'm going to do, I say I'm waiting for something external to give my life a push.  Maybe this is it.  I was hoping for a brown-haired man who sings in the car, but maybe instead I get an upset housemate.

So if this is going to change, what do I do?  Do I move back into my house?  I miss it, you know.  I could be back in my house in time to eat my own persimmons.  I could hold Pumpkin Carving Party like normal.  That'd be weird.  That'd be like I went to all that huge trouble for essentially nothing.  Like I did all that to break free of the ruts I carved and then, you know, couldn't get farther.  Now that I see the nephews weekly, I miss them when I don't.  I've liked doing stuff with my sister.

Do I finish the move to Oakland?  Commute on the train back to Sac everyday?  Oh no.  Find a job there?  What job?  I'm not all that imaginative about career and job stuff.  I'm mostly content in an underemployed routine.  The original plan was to date in Oakland, but Oakland isn't putting out either.  If neither city is going to give up the good men, shouldn't I be moving back into my house and prepping a nursery for me to have a baby by myself?  It is getting near that time.

I don't know Sherry.  Between has been fine, but it can't last.  It may be ending sooner rather than later, but I'm as undecided as ever.