A few things: end of the year always means reflection and goal setting, because I am nothing if not a relentless self-improver. I always remain unimproved, but the process of trying to become a better expression of who I aspire to be is pretty essential. I've been thinking a lot about how I learn, what I learn hungrily and what I can't seem to learn for the life of me, what I remember and what I forget. I've been thinking a lot about reading -- I always read, but I'm starting to take seriously my reading, and to think about making a plan for how I do it, because I'm coming to accept the truth that I won't get to read everything there is, and I don't have time to waste on reading that I'm not psyched to do. I have a two-page reading list for 2009 already, and it doesn't include all the Shakespeare to come. Look for some aspirational posts about that. Maybe.
But here's the thing. I'm not feeling like blogging, much. Some of that is that my time is occupied on rather boring things, so I don't feel that interesting. But some of it, I think, is that my exhibitionist itch is getting scratched in other ways. I'm Twittering, for example, and playing around with Facebook's capabilities and that process does some of what blogging does: they both direct attention, they both have an audience, and there are differences in format that I feel I should learn. So that's where some of my own navel-gazing goes, and by the time I'm at home I don't find myself with the impulse to tell in the same way. The different formats make a difference in WHAT there is to say -- if you're stuck with limericks, there are certain stories that you just won't find yourself telling, and that's kind of what the restrictions of status messages are like. But anyway, some of my attention and thought have been going into learning about and playing around with these two blog alternatives. I'm not sure it's where I'll settle.
And here's what I've noticed. Facebook is really becoming ubiquitous. I feel like I need to understand it and watch it because I want to understand its role in professional networking as that emerges, so I can advise students with relevance. But every day people from high school or college connect to me, and I am experiencing some strange sensations as I revisit my relationship with these people from my past. Not all of my time in college was fantastic. I was depressed, irresponsible, and self-destructive my senior year. By the time I left college I was convinced I was dumb, because I wasn't studying anything I cared about, and my strengths didn't seem to be recognized or admired by anyone. I was unkind and self-absorbed in law school. There were some great moments, some strong and true connections, some deep memories, some life lessons, but there was also very little confidence, a lot of doubt and envy and shame, a sense that who I really was inside was uncool and unambitious and unworthy according to the rules of the world. I think that's part of why I feel so driven here, to connect to college students and support and encourage them as they explore what they want out of life.
Anyway. All that bad stuff wasn't Yale's fault, and it wasn't the fault of the folks I knew there. When I think about it clearly, I think there were a lot of people there who saw the good in me I couldn't fully appreciate in myself. But the parts of me that didn't find expression there, and are happier now, are kind of made jittery by Facebook. Are you going back there? they ask me. Are we going back to that world?
And the children! Everyone has children now. I thought that was happening, but now there's proof. Everyone my age has children. My ambivalence about this question is now officially Odd.
(Oh, also, we bought the House after all. The seller came back to us, and we gave in a little bit, and the deal is done. So let those smug urban posts rip....)