Graceful Acquaintanceship

Dear Lovely and Discerning, 

I think Megan already hit on the relevant and insightful advice, which means I'm free to write tangential and speculative things instead.  The thing I agree with the most is that ambiguity signals unresolved conflict -- their vagueness or silence probably means they're conflicted about why they don't feel so great about you anymore.  Maybe not -- a lot of folks avoid negative or difficult conversations, so silence could signal clarity but unwillingness to have a hard talk.  I don't think so, though. 

Your letter made me think about friendship and how mysterious it can be.  It made me think about the people in my life who are or once were or rightfully should be "friends" but who actually make me uncomfortable.  There are some myths about friendship, I think, that aren't matched by the reality that I live.  The people who make me feel uneasy are the people where myth and reality stand in contrast. "Friends are forever," is the myth I think you're bumping into right now.   

The biggest myth about friendship is that it goes in one direction.  You start as strangers, you become acquaintances, you move into friendship, the friendship deepens, and that's friendship -- you stay close forever and ever.  The myth suggests that once you are friends, at a particular level of intimacy, anything that diminishes that closeness is a failure -- you're not really "friends."  Someone has done something wrong, there's something broken to fix.  I don't think that's actually true, but it is those situations where I feel awkward or lousy.  There are people in my life where the potential for friendship exists, and partial overtures have been made, we started down the path of friendship or we got all the way there, but present day life doesn't accommodate true closeness in the shape we both might have predicted at the beginning.  Those are the people I'm afraid to call up, because I don't know what we are.  I'd like to get coffee now and then, to hear how they're doing, and I wish them well, but I don't want to have them over for dinner or take trips with them or call them to borrow tools or go to their child's school play.  You're not allowed to say this, because it contradicts the myth about what friendship is.  You're not allowed to go from friends to graceful acquaintances.  We do it all the time, but we don't talk about it or admit that it's okay.  It's easier to sever ties completely, sometimes, or to say, we were never really "friends" than to say, we were friends once, but now there are other people I'd rather spend my time talking to. Or I've outgrown that stage of my life and the people who are still really into it make me feel conflicted and strange.  Or, I've realized that you always want to talk about something that isn't interesting enough for me to want to talk about as often as you would like, but telling you would be awkward and I don't care about you enough to try to puzzle through an awkward conversation.  Worse still: the more I got to know you I admired from afar, the more I realize we don't share the same values, and so I don't want to be around you as much as I thought I would from the outside.  

With those people, I see how it would be easier to just disappear than to address it.  I'm not sure addressing it is necessary, because how do you have a conversation that says, hey, I know we used to be friends, but how about being acquaintances instead?  I don't know how to do that.  It's happened in my life, but it tends to be accidental or lucky, and both sides have this ritual apologizing when we reach out to one another, sorry we haven't talked, we have so much to catch up on, I've been so busy, gosh, how *are* you, anyway?  I wish we didn't have to pay homage to the myth of friendship, that we need always to stay the way we once were, and that we need to apologize for thinking it's okay to just talk occasionally, or to go months or even years without seeing one another.  

I am trying to learn how to be okay with having friendships that aren't the same as they once were. It seems to me that intimacy and trust and even interest level ebb and flow, and it happens for so many reasons that it doesn't need to be unpacked and explained each time.  People grow and change and don't fit so much anymore.  Some friendships are resilient enough to repurpose themselves when that happens, but a lot of them aren't, and that's where I think graceful acquaintanceship is really great -- you like and trust people, and if you see them at the grocery store or you have occasion to be in their town for a visit, you're not filled with dread about the conversation to come and all the conversations that you haven't had.  The role they may play in your life and happiness varies depending on circumstances and convenience.  Graceful acquaintanceship is my next frontier -- being deeply and sincerely present and connected with people in ways that aren't as demanding or guilt-producing as friendship.  I'm learning how to do this, but I still get tripped up a lot, because I've always thought of acquaintanceship as a pale and diminished shadow of friendship, the lukewarm leftovers that nobody really wants.  I think it is actually a more resilient and richer thing than that. 

These former friends of yours sound maybe like turkeys, so I'm not sure whether you want to stay connected with any or all of them, but I think it is okay for life to change and people to stop having the same kind of connection.  In my life, people have moved from friends to acquaintances to strangers and back, lots of times, so I know it is possible and healthy, even though the words to describe and acknowledge this truth evade me.  I also think it's nearly impossible to talk about, and when it happens it fills people with shame and confusion, because we are contradicting the myth of what "friendship" means.        

Comments

[Mike]

Good analysis, but I don't have any interest in having these faux-friend acquaintanceships, though I understand in principle how that could be attractive.

Just seems so shallow and artificial, though. Of course, I'm not the ideal test subject for such a thing.

I wonder how neurotypicals will react to the idea?

[Aloja Vera]

"Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces." (Matthew 7:6).

[Red Bown]

The group exclusion has a certain whiff of high school about it; that is, one of your group,miffed at you for some imagined slight or action, exaggerates what happened when meeting with the other members, asking that you not be included in group events because the member feels "uncomfortable" when you're around (and who wants to make one of your friends uncomfortable).

What to do. If you have no clue as to what happened and you still wish a connection with one or more of this bunch, call your (imagined) closest member and have coffee with her. Then, find out what's going on with the gang. It may be that you will have to feel good about retaining individual members as friends, while not being part of the group or you may correct a misunderstanding and rejoin. But, things will never feel quite as comfortable as they once did.

Ooo bee di oo bee da, goes the song and you can be grateful and happy, ecstatic even, that you have a fine new circle of friends.

[PG]

I love that you use "acquaintance" here. I wish the word weren't dying out. It feels awkward to use it in common conversation, but it's so descriptive of the majority of my alleged 300 "friends" on Facebook (I am one of those people who can't refuse a Friend request unless I sincerely don't know who this person is).