No copying, Sherry. You have to write your own.

I have all sorts of thoughts, some of which don't directly answer your question.   But I'll try them anyway.

First, I love the actual question you asked, "How do I re-frame what's going on so it doesn't feel like low level on-going rejection?".  That's the perfect question.  The situation sounds like it is stuck, but you are the boss of how you think about it (mostly), so lets get you a better angle on this.  I know full well that low-lying scripts can take away from your daily experience of life.  They nag and mutter and say mean things to you.  They pester you, barging into should-be glorious moments.  They're also unfounded and ridiculous, which is really obvious when your perfect brilliant gorgeous friend confesses some piece of self-loathing that makes you shake your head amazed that someone could be so wrong about himself.  Whatever pained framing you can't help but hear is equally pointless and wrong.

Next, who knows what happened, but I can tell you one thing.  They're conflicted about why they shut you out.  That's what the silence means.  If they weren't conflicted, it would be easy to tell you.  They would say "Because you robbed a bank and shot three people, that's why!".  Instead, they're keeping quiet because they don't know or don't like their own reasons.  They have rationalizations, but they know the real reason is that maybe you were careless or they were overoffended or it didn't feel the same and they can't face their own insecurities.  They aren't proud of what they did, or they would tell you straight out why.

To your actual question, on how to re-frame:  Here I have to give you the only truth I've come to after all these years of dating, with rejection going both ways.  It is profoundly unsatisfying, but I have finally settled on the vague and underdetermined "fit".  Sometimes people fit and sometimes people don't fit, and there is no reason for it.  There is no reason in the good direction; why should Ali and I click so very much when we are such different people in such different life stages.  There is no reason in the bad direction; why can't I fall for that sweet bright good man?   Looking for reasons will only make you nuts.

My guess from reading your email is that you grew some, and the fit wasn't good any more.  If they were old beloved pants, you would know because they'd get too short and tight.  But they aren't pants, they're people, so instead of being too snug around the waist, they start to scritch and squirm and close out this person who shows them that they haven't changed.  That's my first guess at the reason, but my underlying guess is that there is no good reason except that people have shortcomings and don't live up to who they want to be.  That's hopelessly vague, but sometimes vague is all you get.

Finally, you sound like you're on exactly the right track, but I wanted to reinforce what you're doing.  The only thing you really get to do in these nebulous friend situations is live your own life really well.  Seriously.  They lost something fantastic and precious when you left the situation; they lost your voice and ideas and spark.  Now you make your own life good, so that your voice and ideas and spark are that much stronger.  Treat yourself well and be bolder and deeper, so that you develop even more.  It isn't to spite them.  They may never know (although, word does get around), but that isn't the point.  The point is that you are growing into new friends, and they will be as good as you are.  You are trading up, and you earn better friends by being more of your best self.  You are great; your life and friends will be great.

Comments

[LP]

Thanks, Megan, for your insightful advice - it feels like it's helping already. =)

[Jen]

Megan, You are such a powerful writer (when you are not lamenting fading tans and such). I read your post some weeks ago about reconnecting with one's body. It was so amazing I read it twice and still have not explored completely its full meaning. I plan to end this year with a close re-reading of that post.

[doctorpat]

Hey! This happened to me. It was near the middle of the final year of school and suddenly my best friend hated me. I couldn't work or how or why, and got no explanation.
Being an introverted 16-year-old I never had the guts to straight out ask him.
The result was 6 months of confusion and hurt, and then school was over and I moved to university in another town. Problem solved. Or rather, buried and ignored.

One year later, at Christmas, I worked up the nerve to contact him, and we met up and had a great day together. Still an introverted 17-year-old; the subject of What-The-Hell-was-last-year-about was never brought up.

Speaking to mutual friends, answers were vague and evasive, but the clearest story I got was that I had been rejected from a university I had applied for (Airforce) and I had been insufficiently upset about it.

That's right, the story was that I was too sanguine about missing out on one place I applied for.

No I don't understand.

[Sheila Tone]

I just had a rough couple of days regarding a related issue, and somehow I knew I'd find something helpful and on-point here tonight. Thanks.