How To Get Girls

Well, hmmmm.  We have another reader looking for some specific advice.  This one is a 25 year old fellow named S., who has never had a girlfriend, and has only mustered up the courage to ask women out a very few times, always with disappointing results.  What's the trick, he wonders. 

I used to write quite a lot about dating and my own theories about it. I wrote about how to decide whether to confess a crush, and how to tell whether you're undateable (in 3 parts!).  I wrote about chemistry, and how much that matters.  Since I've been with NBT these last three and a half years, I've stopped paying attention to all the signals you have to decode to figure out whether a romantic relationship is possible with someone, so I expect Megan will have better advice than me.  But ignorance has never stopped me before, so I'll charge in. 

There are three things that I used to ask myself when evaluating a guy. We'll take each of them in turn. 

1) Do I like, enjoy, and admire him as a human being?

2) Do I want to smooch him? Is he attractive/exciting?

3) Does he make me feel good about myself? 

The first question is about personality, morals, values, temperament.  On this front, S., I am certain that you are in good shape.  Rhubarb Pie readers are exceptionally intelligent, loveable, curious about the world, and engaged with life.  Writing to us for advice means you are thoughtful and open to change.  It is possible that there are women out there who would not admire you as a human being, but that is highly unlikely.  

The next question is about chemistry and attraction.  Are you cute? More importantly, do you think you are cute? I fear that you do not realize that you are cute.  In your email, you talk about how low your confidence is, and I must tell you that confidence is an important component of attractiveness.  Luckily for you, you can get more confident about your own attractiveness.  Being attractive has very little to do with your fixed genetic features, and lots to do with what you do with them -- how you dress, how you cut your hair, how you carry yourself.  Do you take care of your body?  When you do, you'll like it more, just like Megan says, and that will show -- I am starting to do it again and I can attest that when you are getting stronger it makes you more confident and joyful in your social life as well as in your physical life.  Do you dress in a way that is flattering and reflects how you'd like people to see you?  When you do, you'll carry yourself differently, and you'll feel better.  I have learned late in life that there are people who love to think about clothing and style, and they enjoy helping people who don't love these things learn how to dress themselves.  Find someone who knows how to do this, and ask for help.  Do you know how to flirt?  It is terrifying and thrilling to start flirting when it is not your habit, but flirting is a learned skill, and it sounds like you are perhaps a novice at flirting.  Learning how to do this is important.  You can learn it by watching people who do it.  It's a lot like teasing, but with some differences.  Make it a goal to practice flirting -- not, at first, with the girls you most admire, but with people where you don't actually intend anything to happen: the clerk at the convenience store, or the librarian who checks out your books, or with a friend's toddler (toddlers are champions at flirting).  This is where your homework lies: if you are not confident that you are cute, do these three things. 1) Find a physical activity that will make you stronger, and start doing it, because the progress you make will give you confidence and purpose that others can see. 2) Have someone who knows how help you dress in a way that is playful, comfortable, and flattering. This may cost money, but it is worthwhile.  Knowing you look good and that you are making the impression on others that you intend to will help you in lots of ways. 3) Practice flirting, until it is fun, and not terrifying.   

The third question is about how you treat a woman you'd like to date.  I think it is important to make her feel great about herself.  She wants to feel extra-special.  Being attentive, being sincere with compliments, anticipating what she might want and making a visible effort to do it for her, those things can make someone feel extra-special, and that feeling is a wonderful gift.  You don't want to be a doormat, or elevate her so far up on a pedestal that she can't get down or do anything.  But all the little marks of chivalry, sexist or silly as they may be, serve to make a woman feel attractive and a little bit special, and that feeling is delightful. If you help create more of it in the world, you are doing a good thing.       

Comments

[doctorpat]

Practice flirting with a toddler? I guess your definition of flirting is different from mine. (Which may be why I am no good at it.)

[Scheherazade]

Next time you're hanging with a toddler, notice how much of the magic has to do with eye contact and smiling, and how much of it is about what you're actually saying. I think you'll find it's a lot closer to flirting than to conversation.

[doctorpat]

Yeah but I'm not sure I'll keep many women enthralled with a toy tractor and sweets.

OK, the sweets will probably help.

(NB: Speaking as someone who is happily married, but who never was any good at the flirting thing and eventually gave up and moved to internet dating.)

[Jason]

My 18-m.o. son is an incorrigible flirt. A few months ago he actually turned away from an admiring store clerk and then smiled over his shoulder at her.

If I may extrapolate to more adult interactions: a common mistake among uncertain adults (males?) when making eyes at someone is to either stare too intently ("do you see me? I see you!" - creepy) or be genuinely embarrassed when caught looking ("omigod, she saw me looking"). The key is to give a quick smile ("you caught me") and then look away, ideally at your companion, who is saying something interesting ("I am capable of healthy verbal interaction").

For verbal flirting, I'd say the key is not trying too hard - it's not about being the most interesting or funny person, just being a non-dud. Make normal small talk and, when you get the chance, say one funny (or, possibly, insightful) thing. Not canned lines, obviously - the point is that flirting is small talk with a little extra energy, which comes out in you saying something that you wouldn't say to your boss or your maiden aunt.

Non-sexual flirting with clerks is great advice (as is everything Sherry said - I'm barreling forward with straight advice because I think she already did a great job laying the groundwork). Obviously you don't want to be a creep who's hitting on the poor clerk (who can't escape), but it's good practice for turning a basically blah interaction into a moment where you say something bright that catches the other person's attention, however briefly.

Most important thing for this sort of flirting: it HAS to be in response to something she says. The whole point is that you're responding to her (because you think she's interesting) in a way that expresses your desirability (because you're witty/insightful AND you pay attention). In the case of a clerk or librarian, you're obviously not responding to their inner person, but you should try to key to what they're saying, not just drop some cliche about shopping or libraries.

One last insight, courtesy of Douglas Adams: whatever a person's deal is, that person is used to hearing a certain pat response that the respondent thinks is clever and/or amusing*. Your minimum goal is NOT to say that thing. Obviously, you can't get caught up overthinking it; my point is that you should be inspired to go past your first response, which is probably an exhausting (and exhausted) cliche. So if you find out a woman's an (aspiring) actress, don't ask if she waits tables (ha ha), or what her favorite movie/play/director is (predictable attempt to draw out conversation). Ask, I dunno, Did your parents always call you a drama queen?**, or Is it exhausting trying to be someone else for hours at a time?, or something. It doesn't have to be brilliant - just try to get past that first cliche, which will get you an extra few minutes of opportunity.

* the example from Adams is a woman who plays the double bass, and everybody asks, "wouldn't it be easier to carry a violin?"

** this may be a stupid line; I only think of it because it's what my wife's mom always called her, and she was, indeed, interested in acting

[hydrobatidae]

Has the asker seen this: http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

My favourite bit so far is "Almost any participant sport or hobby can involve flirting. The level of flirtatious behaviour, however, often tends to be inversely related to the standards achieved by participants and their enthusiasm for the activity. You will generally find a lot of flirting among incompetent tennis players, unfit swimmers, cack-handed potters, etc., but somewhat less among more proficient, serious, competitive participants in the same activities."

[doctorpat]

Most of this stuff is way above my head, but I will caution against the cliche "Don't try too hard."

This is good advice for the naturally forward but for the naturally shy (such as myself) nothing is going to happen unless you try a good deal harder than normal.

Likewise "Just be yourself". Obviously being themselves hasn't worked up till now, so they have to CHANGE.

[PG]

"Ask, I dunno, Did your parents always call you a drama queen?**"

I assume S. already knows this, but just in case, don't get drawn toward Game type flirting or behavior, which seems essentially to consist of "humorously" insulting women until you find one with sufficiently low or high self-esteem not to be put off by a stranger's insults.